December 19, 2016

“Could it be that some days are just inexplicably painful?” She questioned. For the most part she could rise with purpose and intent. She could rekindle her vitality by doing simple tasks like riding her bike or even cleaning the house. However some days her consciousness would begin to betray her the moment her eyes opened. Before even turning on a light her heart would race and her throat would dry. She found this to be peculiar considering nothing has happened yet. From day to day we are at ease with our own awareness but some days the simple act of being awake and knowing it was too much for her. One day requires a limited amount of tasks. Take out the garbage, go to work, make dinner. It shouldn’t require excessive thought however some days each thought is fragmented and replaced with worry. This was one of those days.

Her eyes opened and a sinking feeling permeated to her chest. “Another day” she said quietly to herself. She should be flowing with gratitude to be given another day but on days like this the thought of another 24 hours was sobering. Many see a day as an opportunity to fulfill goals and tasks she however saw just the act of being awake as a task far too advanced for her. The challenge of being awake was constantly directing her consciousness in a way that wasn’t counterintuitive. All day she is forced to walk through her mind, a mind that feels almost like a minefield. Any moment she can become trapped by lament and days like this she felt only lament.

She grabbed her phone to check the time. It was already late in the day and she had received no messages. It has been weeks, she thought. I should be used to this. Unfortunately her heart would plummet every time she did not hear from him. She knew she would never speak to him again and she even knew that it was a good thing. However she couldn’t seem to grasp why what was best for the two of them felt so bad.